Mother's day

I did not have a very good night sleep yesterday. I kept looking at the watch and just like that lost 1 hour!! Yes, the day light saving time.... and the clock went ahead by one hour. After a long struggle, I did manage to sleep.
It felt damn good next morning when I woke up to see my son holding the breakfast tray for me and saying 'Happy Mother's day Amma''!! Wow!! My son brought me breakfast, three handmade cute cards, some flowers and a great mother's day batch. The card read 'Best Mum'!!  Such a surprise for me!!  Although I smiled and thanked my son, I felt bit sad. I felt I did not deserve any of this.I am some one who probably gets sad when too much affection is showered on me. It is my own fault that I worry that I may lose the affection in the future. It is my fear of loss that prevents me from expressing my emotions.
Where there is attachment, misery follows and the emotional baggage gets heavy and heavy.
I wonder if I will discuss any of this in the future to my son....the road to escapism from misery is called the Non-attachment!

Happiness

This post is not a continuation of my previous post although it might look so. I just wanted to share a funny conversation with my 8 yr old kid. Happiness means so many things to so many people. People approach happiness from various perspectives- be it religious, philosophical or even as a goal in life.
I feel a sense of joy just by hearing good music or tunes, and to me during that phase when my mind is only listening and not thinking I am filled with no regrets or discomfort. For me, that phase is happiness.
The 'Happy' Song by Pharrell Williams for the movie Despicable me is one such song which I enjoy listening to. My son only knows this too well that when I got him an angry bird speaker for his 8th birthday he chose to test this particular song from you tube!
Days later, when he was practising cricket in the garden he came running to me as soon as I came from work.
Son- Mum, you know the happiness song that you listen on the radio in your car, I think it contains 'swear words'.
Perplexed me- What do you mean? what swear word.....I hadn't noticed any...
Son- Yeah, you have to say the word 'Happiness' very slowly, then you will notice it.
Me- ok, 'Hap-pee-ness'....'Hap-Pee-Nis'...'Hap-Penis'
As I was ushering the word slowly, I realised the word play and understood what my son meant!! I saw him in his eyes and could see the naughtiness that is gleaming...He replied back to me with a giggle..' I told you..' and then he ran off.
I brought this conversation during dinner time with my husband who was laughing to his heart's content. We were curious to ask him further his reasoning as to why he should analyse words like that.
Although, initially he wanted to ignore our question, he thought when people were happy they expose themselves... Strange thought of a 8 yr old boy. I wonder what it would have meant for a 8yr old girl?
It is pure coincidence that today is' UN International Day of Happiness'. I hope peace and contentment remain in all our hearts and remember to balance happiness and sadness in life.

Enjoy the emptiness!

I feel so small when I know there are a million things I don't know
I feel so big when I know I learnt one more thing more so

I thought being happy is the best, but the best is being neither sad nor happy.
I feel the scary emptiness in such a state of mind. I hope this state of mind engulfs and reigns me that I attain the purpose of my life in which I merge with the pure emptiness.  I, become the emptiness that I will no longer be scary.

My life is already in the path of emptiness. I can feel the  bits and pieces of it like a scattered puzzle. As time passes by the pieces will come together beautifully. I will wait for that time in patience.

Swallow your pride

I am yet to discover what life is all about. When I say life , I really don't know what I completely mean. Is it the heartbeat that keeps one alive or is it the emotional waves that circulate in the mind or is it another trillion things that I don't know at all? Not knowing what life is all about I am proud to say, I do live a life.

Is it true that 'we don't know yet what we don't know'? I vehemently would love to dismiss this fact but it is the truth I can't deny. 

I have learnt so much in life and I am still learning everyday. I have learnt that little things make a difference. This  learning process comes at a cost and one should be prepared to undergo deep humiliation and 'swallow the pride' to be able to move forward.

Now that I have rested my heart writing this post, my mind is lot clear to prepare for my forthcoming exam! I wish my mind a good luck, some serotonin and some deeper calm!!!!